I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
