His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
