The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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