nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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