dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
