That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Do vagina's smell?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
