i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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