your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
