Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
