3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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