Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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