You just made me feel so damn special
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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