Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
