there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
