this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
