I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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