So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
