Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
