i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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