just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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