Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
