mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
