I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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