Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
