dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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