my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
