I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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