Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
