she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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