Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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