did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
