I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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