Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
