Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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