I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
