He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wear drunk well.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
