i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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