After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
