I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
