I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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