he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
