If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
