So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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