I'm lost and stupid without you.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
