Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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