My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
