for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
