I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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