She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
