1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
